Today has been quite a disheartening day in my Facebook life. It is Mothers' Day and everybody showered their love publicly on their mothers. Some changed their profile pictures to their childhood pictures with their mother, some tagged their mothers and wished them a happy mothers' day and the likes. All good.
As the day passed, the posts started turning into essays. They started becoming longer than needed. Some even came with a collage of pictures of their mothers. And then started a whole series of posts that started out as bothersome, but slowly and eventually became quite disturbing. These posts basically were kids and grown men and women my age, saying 'thank you' to their mothers for sacrificing food when it was not enough for the number of people at the table, it was a 'thank you' for their mother who stayed awake worrying about them when they were out partying, it was a 'thank you' for making them chai when they were studying. Do you see where I'm going with this? If you were one of those people who put up posts like these, you wouldn't get it. And the chances of you ever getting it are quite low, to be honest. Because, you, my friend, seem to have taken your mother for granted. Why did you say 'thank you' to a mother who basically sacrificed so much while you were enjoying it all? Why didn't you say, 'Mom, you didn't have to'? Or 'Ma, I'm sorry you had to'? Did you thank her because, well, she was just doing her duty? That's what her role demands - sacrifice. Right?
It is sad that we still live in times where a kindergarten child is taught in school that a mother's place is in the kitchen and a father's place is in the office. It is still there in the text books or even some of those nursery rhymes I can't recall. We have been told by the society and our own families that this is what a mother's role and duty is. I have seen people who are quite proud that their once gold-medalist or highly educated mother is now a house wife. Their reason is - 'she chose to be one, for me'. Now look, I'm absolutely pro-choice. What I find fault with is the pride with which a child welcomingly accepts their mother's sacrifice. My problem is not with the pride associated with 'she chose to be one', it is the pride associated with 'for me' which bothers me. And my problem is with 'thank you for worrying about me/sacrificing food for me/sacrificing your career for me/staying at home to take care of the dog I made a fuss about having/for taking care of me when I was sick and still taking care of me when you were sick too/for treating me like a baby (read invalid) even when I am bloody 25 years old'! Because somehow, she is expected to.
Look, I'm not a cynic for seeing a problem with all this, something you might consider normal. It's just that I've been brought up by a woman like my mother. My mother has always been a strong woman. Yes, she made sacrifices for my sister and me, but not compromises. She didn't just make great food and tea when we needed it, she made a great life for us. She didn't just tell us that we should grow up to be independent girls, she showed us how to. And never has she stuck to that mainstream definition of a mother. She started out to be superwoman and did become one. She is not the cook of the house or the furniture duster. And though my mother did make a lot of sacrifices for us, those are not the things I thank her for. I would thank her for the example she has set, that when we grow up and have children, it is not impossible to bring them up without giving up our careers. I would thank my mother for teaching me how to make mango pickle and also how to tally a balance sheet. I would thank my mother for being the bread winner of the house when my father had just started his company. I would thank her for being the most inspiring woman I have ever known. Thank you amma, for being you and for telling us that it is perfectly okay for us to be us.
As the day passed, the posts started turning into essays. They started becoming longer than needed. Some even came with a collage of pictures of their mothers. And then started a whole series of posts that started out as bothersome, but slowly and eventually became quite disturbing. These posts basically were kids and grown men and women my age, saying 'thank you' to their mothers for sacrificing food when it was not enough for the number of people at the table, it was a 'thank you' for their mother who stayed awake worrying about them when they were out partying, it was a 'thank you' for making them chai when they were studying. Do you see where I'm going with this? If you were one of those people who put up posts like these, you wouldn't get it. And the chances of you ever getting it are quite low, to be honest. Because, you, my friend, seem to have taken your mother for granted. Why did you say 'thank you' to a mother who basically sacrificed so much while you were enjoying it all? Why didn't you say, 'Mom, you didn't have to'? Or 'Ma, I'm sorry you had to'? Did you thank her because, well, she was just doing her duty? That's what her role demands - sacrifice. Right?
It is sad that we still live in times where a kindergarten child is taught in school that a mother's place is in the kitchen and a father's place is in the office. It is still there in the text books or even some of those nursery rhymes I can't recall. We have been told by the society and our own families that this is what a mother's role and duty is. I have seen people who are quite proud that their once gold-medalist or highly educated mother is now a house wife. Their reason is - 'she chose to be one, for me'. Now look, I'm absolutely pro-choice. What I find fault with is the pride with which a child welcomingly accepts their mother's sacrifice. My problem is not with the pride associated with 'she chose to be one', it is the pride associated with 'for me' which bothers me. And my problem is with 'thank you for worrying about me/sacrificing food for me/sacrificing your career for me/staying at home to take care of the dog I made a fuss about having/for taking care of me when I was sick and still taking care of me when you were sick too/for treating me like a baby (read invalid) even when I am bloody 25 years old'! Because somehow, she is expected to.
Look, I'm not a cynic for seeing a problem with all this, something you might consider normal. It's just that I've been brought up by a woman like my mother. My mother has always been a strong woman. Yes, she made sacrifices for my sister and me, but not compromises. She didn't just make great food and tea when we needed it, she made a great life for us. She didn't just tell us that we should grow up to be independent girls, she showed us how to. And never has she stuck to that mainstream definition of a mother. She started out to be superwoman and did become one. She is not the cook of the house or the furniture duster. And though my mother did make a lot of sacrifices for us, those are not the things I thank her for. I would thank her for the example she has set, that when we grow up and have children, it is not impossible to bring them up without giving up our careers. I would thank my mother for teaching me how to make mango pickle and also how to tally a balance sheet. I would thank my mother for being the bread winner of the house when my father had just started his company. I would thank her for being the most inspiring woman I have ever known. Thank you amma, for being you and for telling us that it is perfectly okay for us to be us.
That's really touching! I am proud to have a daughter who has the ability to see things in a different perspective! And express then beautifully! Well written Lalli!
ReplyDeleteGreat Lalli, with such a touching conclusion!
ReplyDelete